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Since my last entry, my life has drastically changed.

I visited my boyfriend irl after five years of being in a relationship and it went great. We went to museums, the zoo, some local shops and markets, and I spent a lot of time decorating our room because it was pretty bland before. There’s no issue with that now. We got an awesome orange and purple lava lamp, very cute coyote string lights, band postersfrom a local market, and also our pencil scribbles we did together on paper hung up on the wall, and much more. And super importantly, a task whiteboard.

I noticed I still had severe mental fog but I was better. Surprisingly stable, and I could cope with what the world threw at me. I wasn't irritable, I enjoyed going out, I got new clothes that boosted my confidence (a cool ass belt buckle does wonders). I could hold and love on another person. It was easily the best thing out of my comfort zone I've ever done in my life.

Moments like these seem to be where my brain relaxes out of it’s lifelong “mental barricade” technique and I seem to develop more classic PTSD symptoms. I expected this to happen as I've experienced it before. One of the first symptoms I noticed reoccurring was my brain would translating innocent sounds into screams or people angrily shouting my name. Sometimes I jolt because I randomly “hear” someone screaming my name from inside my brain. I had love and support so I could manage it.

Unfortunately all this means that when I got home, I wasn't emotionally prepared for the mess. I instantly relapsed. I feel like I’m in nightmare mode. I need to stay here and work for another few months for money reasons but it’s super hard. I'm miserable here and so unmanageably angry. This house is noisy and messy and I have to share it with the worst people I know. Now the scary sounds my brain was “hearing” as a PTSD symptom on my trip are no longer brain errors, they're actually the sounds of what goes on here. I was doing so well so this is a really painful time for me. Mentally I had near instantaneously blocked out and left behind this “era” of my life, even though the trip was only a month. That month with my boyfriend and his family felt realer than the entire rest of my life with my family. I'm not the same person here and I'm definitely not “myself”.

Now it’s been about a week since I came back to my parents’ house, and I’ve noticed I’ve started to backslide into the exact same paranoias and obsessions I had before I left. I don’t think anything sparked them, and it’s just my brain “rolling back” to an old version of me. It’s hard to cope with the levels of aggression and fear I am experiencing. I have sedatives that almost make me relaxed enough to act normally (with a hint of a high sleepiness), but I’m reluctant to use them too often, as it both begins to lose effectiveness at the small dose and I notice I slowly begin to get more brain-fogged. My parents came home from their trip and I hear my mom screaming at the dog and yelling at my sister and dad. It puts me in a mood where I feel like I have no choice but to take my sedatives because I’m worried what I might do otherwise. I notice I’m having skin flareups and hives.

This entry has been a lot of negatives, but I really did have an amazing month. I was too preoccupied with the fun to actually spend time writing about it. I might make an entry about the fun I had. I definitely have hope, even though lately it’s been dominated by a lot of angst and suicidality from stress. I love my boyfriend. We had an amazing time together. The experiences I enjoyed most weren’t even the big things, just lying in bed listening to music together and going out for tea together to try new flavors. Just really simple pleasures I've never experienced in full. Being touched and gently held. People, other adults showing kindness to me. Decorating a room how I wanted to, dressing how I wanted to, being called the name I prefer. People at his house didn't violently fight and nobody was constantly on defense and reading into everything I said. I didn't feel suffocated. I can tell they actually cared about my wellbeing. As much as I miss it, I'm back home, and I need the money right now. I thought about it, and I think even visiting briefly is too risky for my emotional state. I think the whiplash could genuinely kill me.

Well that’s the end of this entry now. I’m glad I at least got it down. What happened was I got a fairly cheap iPad and a bluetooth keyboard. Now I can see myself doing blog entries more often. So many of my thoughts for writing happen while I’m lying in bed, and I rarely feel the urge to swipe it all out on my phone keyboard anymore like I did when I was a teenager. I also have the Notes app which is convenient. So whoever is reading this, a passerby or someone who wants to visit often, you get to hear from me more. :)